I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
being pregnant is like rehab
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
