thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
