come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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