so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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