Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize