I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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