i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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