I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize