Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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