If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
