why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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