some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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