Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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