I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
