i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
