If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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