Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
