I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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