that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
