dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
