Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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