Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
