1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize