omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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