seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
