I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
