Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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