I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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