I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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