your parents love me but you hate me
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
