I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
