Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Banned from zoo.
Again?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
