i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
