I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
