omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
