While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
