I feel great
I just peed on a car
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize