He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
