she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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