Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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