I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
