Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
