shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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