I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
