i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's shark week go big or go home
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
