How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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