I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
