I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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