The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The air taste purple.
Randomize