Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
