I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
