so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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