i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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