Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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