I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
