she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
