I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
