I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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