at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
