dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
