just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we made out on top of his cat.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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