I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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