It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
