awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The adults are the big ones right?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
